This story from my family history is intended as a companion to blog G3 26 verses for 2026 – Seek Advice.
I. DIVORCE AND REMARRAIGE:
My dad’s youngest sister, one of my favorite aunts, had been divorced by her husband. They were both small people and they had one child together, who was always small for his age and, in my opinion, a little naive about the things going on around him.
My aunt remarried a man who had been divorced by his wife. They were bigger people and had two children who were on the larger size for their ages.
Unfortunately, the older and bigger boy picked on my smaller cousin.
II. KIDNAPPED!
Eventually my cousin’s dad remarried a woman with two daughters. When she saw how much her new husband wanted his son to live with them, she devised a plan to keep him with them at his next visit.
They called my aunt and notified her my cousin would be living with them for now on. They said his small stature and reports of being bullied by his stepbrother were criminal, and if she objected, they would take her to court and sue for custody on the grounds that she was an unfit mother. My aunt asked to speak with him to verify if it was his decision to stay, but they refused. Furthermore, they said she could not ever come and visit him either.
This devastated my aunt as he was the only child of her body and she loved him very much. The next year when I was visiting, she told me about the situation and asked for my advice. She knew that my mother had divorced my father, her older brother, so she thought, having grown up in a similar situation as a child, I might have some insight that would be helpful.
It seems her new husband was all about charging up there and taking him by force (the bully apple didn’t fall far from the tree in his son). My aunt was a gentle person, that was one of the things I liked the most about her as most of the rest of my father’s family were very brash. I’m sure you’ve heard that opposites attract, and you couldn’t get any more opposite than my quiet aunt and my forceful new uncle.
But there is a reason that opposites attract. You see, sometimes my quiet and unassuming aunt needed a forceful advocate on her behalf. And sometimes my new uncle needed someone to rein in his overforcefulness. They were able to do these things for each other because of their love, appreciation and respect for each other, and they ended up making a very good couple.
My aunt further explained she had sent birthday and Christmas gifts, but didn’t even know if he had received them. She had tried to talk to him by phone many times, but had been refused and threatened each time. Her question for me was, “What should I do?”
III. THE ADVICE:
Whew! I guess you know you have achieved adulthood when a member of your parents’ generation asks for your advice. Turns out I had a lot to draw on for my advice.
I had not only lived in a broken family with its dynamics, but divorce had become increasingly prevalent during the mid to late 60’s, my teenage years; therefore I had the stories and experiences of many peers to add to my own.
But I had more than ‘worldly’ experience to draw on, I had become a Christian while living with my grandparents between my own family’s divorce and remarriage, so I had the wisdom of God and the Bible as part of my life. The advice I gave my aunt would not have been popular, it was not easy to follow, but it was the right thing to do.
I explained that her son’s new stepmother sounded like a manipulator. (*See NOTE at end for more information.) A manipulator will say anything, true or not, to accomplish their chosen goal. A manipulator will spin everything that is said or done in such a way as to support their viewpoint.
I told her (and my listening uncle), that the last thing they wanted to do was to storm up there and try to take back her son by force. The manipulator would have the law out there quickly, hysterically accusing them of all sorts of heinous acts, either hoping something will stick or goading them into some ill-advised act or words that they could spin. It would be ugly.
Instead, they should play it low key. She should continue to send birthday and Christmas presents and cards. She should continue to write him and tell him how much she loved him and missed him. Even if he never saw a single one of her cards or letters, whenever the manipulating stepmother would tell him that his mother didn’t love him, had even deserted him, even my naive young cousin might pick up on how hollow the words were, because even the manipulator knew differently.
I assured my aunt that one day, her son would turn 18, he would leave his new family and he would remember the mother who bore him and loved him.
IV. REUNION:
My aunt and uncle’s chance to track down my cousin the summer after his high school graduation came when a very powerful hurricane made landfall and created a swath of destruction through the area where the father’s family lived. My aunt packed their suitcases, my uncle threw his chainsaw in the back of the car, and they headed in that direction to help with the cleanup.
A terse meeting occurred at the father’s house, but my cousin had moved into an apartment with a friend at a nearby junior college in preparation for starting classes that Fall. My aunt and uncle obtained his address and phone number and went back on the road.
They made a call when they arrived in the area to let him know they were coming and to obtain some directions (this was before cell phones), and the visit was arranged.
The reunion was subdued at first. My somewhat naive cousin was confused between what the manipulator had been telling him the past few years and the totally unexpected presence of the mother who had supposedly abandoned him.
“You never called!” He said. Then my aunt replied, with the calm confidence of the truth, “I called, but they would not let me speak to you.”
“You never wrote!” He complained. “I wrote you every month and sent you Christmas and birthday cards and presents,” she replied.
“How can I know you’re telling the truth?” My aunt countered with the truth, “Every birthday and Christmas, your father would tell me your size and what you needed the most. I always sent you an appropriate gift and a card with a letter. Give me any of your birthdays or Christmases in the last few years and I’ll describe what I sent. Then you tell me if you received it or not.”
It didn’t take long for even my naive young cousin to realize the scope of the deception that had been perpetrated on him the last few years. Yes, he had received those presents, wrapped and labeled as being from his dad and stepmother. No, he had never received any of his mom’s cards or letters.
“What do you want?” finally asked my cousin, reeling from realization of the years of deception, and not knowing who or what to trust.
My aunt stated simply, with tears running down her cheeks, “I wanted to see you, as I have not seen you for so many years. I wanted to talk to you, as we’ve not been able to talk. I want to let you know that I love you, I care about you, and I want to be part of your life.”
(Just in case you’d like to listen to the song I pulled my title banner from.)
Despite my cousin’s veneer of naivety, deep down he knew his mother. He knew that she wouldn’t lie to him, and the truth was evident in every word she spoke and in every line of her body. With that realization finally came the expected teary reunion between mother and child.
Thereafter followed reciprocal visits during holidays and school breaks. When my cousin graduated, he got a job close to his mother. Unfortunately, my aunt died prematurely of cancer, but for many years, she had her only son back in her life and was able to participate with great pleasure and joy in his life as an adult.
V. CONCLUSIONS:
Might this reunion have still happened without the years of suffering and sacrifice? Might they still have come back together as mother and son without her hands-off and month-by-month faithfulness in what appeared to be a hopeless and lost cause?
We can never answer ‘might have’ questions like that. But I was able to give her godly advice that worked. I also constantly supported them in prayer, which allowed me to rejoice with her when she was reunited with her son.
That’s why the Bible instructs us to seek wise, godly counsel when faced with difficult decisions and situations. I am very grateful my aunt was not an impulsive person, unlike her second husband, but I tried to tailor my advice to what I knew about her and about my cousin, as well as general experiences and principles.
The question at this point is, how can we tell who will give us the best wise counsel? There are hints in my story, but I will save that discussion as an idea for another blog.
VI. THE ‘PRICE’ OF GODLY COUNSEL:
So, what is the “price” of (following) godly advice I refer to in my title?
It would have been very emotionally satisfying for my step-uncle to go storming and breathing threats to recover his stepson, but it would not have accomplished God’s purposes. James writes:
Losing one’s temper is easy, holding it in and channeling it into a long-term, constructive plan is very, very hard. Believe me, I know.
I learned a lesson in the 70’s that I have to keep reminding myself about. I learned that we have two choices when it comes to how we react/respond, but we don’t have a choice about what happens afterward. Here is a quote that expresses what I learned:
“Life demands a price. You either pay now or pay later. It is much more expensive to pay later because life charges interest.” — Matt Worthy
(Emphasis added.) So…
1. We can choose to be undisciplined and ‘invest’ in the immediate gratification of sin, but we will find that it results in penalties to us over and over again for a very long time.
2. On the other hand, we can discipline ourselves and ‘invest’ in righteousness. If we choose the path of patience and sacrifice, we may suffer, over and over again for a long time, but righteousness will eventually pay us dividends rather than charge us penalties.
It’s the same decision we face with our money, spend it all now and have nothing later; or sacrifice and save some now and have more later.
VII. NOTE – The ‘Manipulative’ Stepmother:
(AI) The “manipulating stepmother” is an archetype representing toxic behavior within blended families, often characterized by controlling actions, attempts to isolate the child from the biological mother, and causing strain on relationships with the father.
Key Aspects of a Manipulative Stepmother
1. Controlling Actions: A manipulative stepmother may use guilt, shame, and controlling behavior to get her way. This can include controlling communication between the child and the other parent, and otherwise creating a hostile, competitive environment.
2. Isolating Child from Biological Mother: A common tactic is undermining the biological mother by constantly criticizing her, badmouthing the biological mother, and trying to diminish her role in the child’s life by limiting contact and communication.
3. Strain on Relationships with Father. The manipulative mother often feels they can get away with these abusive strategies because the husband/father has chosen her. If he does not remain passive, but attempts to intervene or ameliorate her abuse, then he becomes the target of her insults, threats and other means of keeping him in line.
Psychological and Emotional Impact on Children:
1. Low Self-Esteem and Inadequacy: Constant criticism, belittling, or conditional affection can make children feel unworthy or not “good enough”.
2. Anxiety and Depression: The stress of living in a tense, unpredictable environment often leads to anxiety disorders and depressive symptoms.
3. Trust Issues: Children may develop difficulty trusting others and forming healthy relationships in the future, often fearing that affection is a contract that can be revoked.
4. Emotional Detachment: Children may withdraw from family life, shut down emotionally, or become detached as a defense mechanism.
5. Guilt and Fear: Manipulative tactics, such as emotional blackmail or, in extreme cases, threatening suicide, can leave children feeling guilty or constantly afraid of triggering the stepmother.
VIII. A Personal Response:
A manipulative person doesn’t suddenly become that way just because they married into a blended family. The above manipulative techniques are usually already well-developed aspects of their psyche. I didn’t know my cousin’s dad, but I suspect at least a part of his son’s naiveté was inherited from him.
My other impression about manipulative people and marriage, and a manipulative personality is not limited to women, is they specifically look for a spouse that they can manipulate and dominate. For a manipulative man, that dominance more often leads to physical abuse.
As far as what we can do to help friends or family that we think might be falling under the influence of a manipulative person? I’ve got no great advice beyond praying for them and trusting in the power of God to deliver them.
I do know the first step of a manipulative person is to isolate the potential victim from their friends and family. If we catch that attempt at isolation soon enough, we can try to counter by drawing closer in our relationships with them. If we don’t catch the isolation soon enough, then they can become ‘brainwashed’ and strongly resist any efforts we may try to help them, even seeing us as their enemy.
In the end, I believe there is no hope for deliverance except through the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. Here’s a great song about how Jesus can break every chain that ties us down in life.
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